


halfway

by drevelyn



Category: Andi Mack (TV)
Genre: M/M, also amber and cyrus because gay rights, andi and cyrus are best friends because i'm a hoe for their friendship, kippen siblings theory, not much of a wonah shipper but i'm here to give the people what they want, tj's name is timothy james fight me, um idk fluff and angst ig mostly fluff tho
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-27
Updated: 2019-08-17
Packaged: 2020-05-20 15:58:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 13,891
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19379986
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/drevelyn/pseuds/drevelyn
Summary: Cyrus wanted his eighth grade year to be perfect, but now his lingering crush has a boyfriend, his friends seem to be drifting away, and he’s sharing a locker with the last person he’d hoped for. It’s not until he accidentally grabs the wrong notebook that he finds out he might have everything backwards.





	1. one

**Author's Note:**

> I seriously have no idea what grade everyone is supposed to be in canonically so their all in eighth grade lol except amber she's still in ninth also yeah hope you enjoy :)

Cyrus wishes he could drown the whole world out, but sadly only one of his headphones work.

As far as the first day of school goes, this was by far the worst. This year was supposed to be Cyrus’ year. Everything was supposed to be perfect. Supposed to be, supposed to be, supposed to be. Anyway, it’s not going to be anymore. Not after Jonah got a boyfriend. Not after he was forced to join the dance team. Not after he got paired with Tj Kippen as his locker partner. After all that, there’s no way this year can end up being anything but terrible. 

-

Cyrus considers himself to be a rather optimistic person. He’s charismatic, outgoing, extroverted, maybe a little awkward, sure, but it’s all part of his charm. He’s also thinking that maybe it’s time to go through an emo phase. Being optimistic is beginning to get _exhausting_. When everything goes wrong and you continue to insist on looking at the bright side, it’s no longer optimism; it’s delusion.

 Cyrus takes one final breath before he walks into school, making sure to keep his expectations low. 

He walks to his locker, keeping his hands gripped tightly on his backpack straps, preparing for his encounter Tj, whatever that even means. He doesn’t know much about him except for the fact that he bullied Buffy for the majority of seventh grade, most likely meaning he’s pretty sexist, and that’s he’s the captain of the basketball team. So basically, there’s no way Cyrus can prepare himself for this interaction. 

And when he turns the corner and sees Tj furioisly rustling through their locker, he realises just how unprepared he really is.

“Tj?” Cyrus asks just as he approaches him. Tj looks lost as he turns towards him.

“Cyrus! Hey! Could you help me with something?” 

“Yeah, sure. What’s up?” Cyrus asks, slightly confused. Tj's talking to him as if their best friends, even friends at all, but in reality they've never said one word to each other.

“Well,” Tj starts, continuing to search through his bag, “I think I lost one of my notebooks. It’s composition sized, dark blue, um,” Tj glances at Cyrus, “Timothy is ingrained on it in silver, just,” Tj sighs as he slams the locker. “If you see it, would you let me know?” Tj looks at Cyrus and it’s almost like Cyrus can’t look away. He seems so genuinely distraught that he lost this notebook, and Cyrus feels a surprising amount of sympathy. He doesn’t know how many seconds go by before he finally squeaks, “yeah, sure.” Tj’s face splits into an easy smile.

“Thanks dude. See you around yeah?” With a quick playful punch on the shoulder, Tj jogs in the opposite direction. Cyrus turns, watching him go.

Yeah. There was no way he could’ve been prepared for that. 

-

Cyrus is glad that his mom still packs his lunch, even if it gives Buffy never ending room to poke fun at him. The lunch today looks especially bland. 

They just met yesterday, and somehow Andi and Walker are already clicking, rambling away about something that Cyrus can’t, nor wants to, pay attention to. Anyway, he’d rather keep his encounters with Jonah’s boyfriend to a minimum. His eyes and mind continue to wander, bouncing back and forth between Jonah and Tj.

Jonah has confused Cyrus since the second they met. He’s somehow even more confusing now than ever. Cyrus really believed he was over Jonah. After Jonah went away for a good portion of the summer, Cyrus thought that it was enough time and distance that he could finally let go of those painful feelings. And then he came back, and he smiled and said Cyrus was awesome and it was right back to square one. And then he got a boyfriend, and Cyrus’ entire seventh grade year got completely redefined. Cyrus had spent that entire year thinking that his feelings towards Jonah were completely hopeless, and he had made his peace with that. He understood that he was simply meant to live his life in love with his straight best friend. But now it’s like he’s meant to live his life in love with his _taken_ best friend, one who is most definitely not straight. Except he’s not in love with him. Not really. What had once been desperate and hopeless pining turned into… well, maybe it hadn’t entirely changed. Just because Jonah liked boys didn’t mean he would ever like Cyrus. God, Cyrus really thought that he was over this.

Then again, he also thought this would be the best year of his life, and look how that’s turning out so far.

And then there’s Tj. Until now, Cyrus has always believed Tj to be nothing but a sexist bully. But now, he doest know what to think. He doesn’t even know what happened this morning. Until now, he had kind of blocked out the fact that Tj told him his real name, and for some reason that seemed extremely personal to Cyrus. It didn’t seem like the type of thing Tj just went around announcing. Of course, this wasn’t him comparing Tj to Jonah. He doesn’t _like_ Tj. How could he? He’s a total jerk, and besides that Cyrus barely even knows him, and he’s hoping to keep it that way.

“Cyrus.” He’s brought out of his thoughts by Andi snapping in his face. “Where are you?”

“Oh,” he clears his throat, leaning back in his chair and out of his hand. “Sorry.” 

“What were you thinking about?” Andi laughs. “You were really out of it.”

“Nothing really,” Cyrus says glancing back at Tj. 

“Oh, well we were just coming up with stuff to do this weekend. How does the amusement park sound?” The end of Andi’s sentence gets muffled by the bell. Everyone begins packing and standing up, ready to herd through the hallways and to their next class.

“I’ll let you know,” Cyrus answers. She smiles, grabbing her own stuff. The whole cafeteria thins, but Cyrus lingers, taking one last look at Tj.

Who is looking right back at him.

-

Dance team practice was a nightmare. As Cyrus falls onto his bed, he’s never been happier that something is over. Not only is it insanely difficult (just as most physical activity is for Cyrus), but the TA, Amber, seems determined to become his spiritual guide or something. Cyrus has never been so physically and mentally exhausted at the same time. His breathing is finally starting to even out when his phone vibrates in his hand.

**_A: So? Amusement park this weekend? Maybe you and I can have a movie night after?_ **

**_C: What movie?_ **

**_A: Hmmmm…… a musical? How about Hairspray?_ **As much as Cyrus does not want to spend his Saturday with Jonah and Walker, nor does he really think an amusement park is his ideal setting, he loves musicals, and Bex is amazing at movie nights.

**_C: Deal._ **

**_A: :)_ **

Cyrus has wondered for a while why he doesn’t tell Andi about all this stuff that’s going on with Jonah. Not just the stuff that’s going on with Jonah, but what that means. At first, he knew he wasn’t telling her only because she liked Jonah, and was kind of dating him for a while, but now that is definitely over. So what’s his excuse? Does he need one? Can him just not being ready be good enough? The thing is though, that he is ready. He’s not so much ready as he is bursting at the seams. He’s sick of having to deal with all of this on his own. He has to deal with so much on his own, and it’d be nice for him to be able to have at least one weight off of his shoulders. And this one is pretty big. 

And Andi would be supportive. He knows she would; she was with Jonah after all. She didn’t so much as bat an eye when he showed up to school holding Walker’s hand and introduced him as his boyfriend, and Cyrus is her best friend. He has absolutely nothing to worry about.

So it’s decided: this weekend he is going to tell Andi that he’s gay. 

-

Cyrus had somehow managed to get through his second dance practice, albeit barely. His whole body feels useless as he lies on the floor, completely out of breath.

“Cyrus?” Amber asks, suddenly appearing above him.

“Yeah?” he pants.

“Do you want me to help you after class sometime?” No, not really, Cyrus thinks. He isn’t looking to be on broadway or anything, he just wants to get his gym credit so he’s able to pass eighth grade. Honestly, at this point, passing is all he can hope for this year. He doesn’t think he should say any of that to her though, and if she’s offering to make this class he’s required to take three times a week more bearable, what kind of an idiot would he be to pass that up?

“Sure. Thanks Amber.” She smiles, offering him a hand. “It’s okay,” he says, waving her off. “I think I’m just gonna lie here for a little bit more.” This makes her laugh. Overall, Amber’s kind of intense, but her laugh is sweet and light. It’s the kind of laugh that’s contagious, and even though it takes every ounce of energy left in him, Cyrus laughs along with her. 

“See you around Cyrus,” she says, walking out of his vision. Cyrus is pretty sure he’s the last one in the auditorium. He knows he can’t stay here forever, no matter how good it feels. With a groan, he pushes himself up, leaning forward and grabbing his bag. He rummages through the main compartment, trying to find his phone. By this point, he’s expecting to have a few worried texts from his mother. However, before he can grab his phone, he stumbles upon something else. A dark blue notebook with the name “Timothy” ingrained in silver along the cover. 

“What the…?” he mutters to himself. How did this end up in his bag? Cyrus runs his fingers along the letters on the cover, letting them travel over to the pages. A peek wouldn’t hurt would it? He hasn’t been able to figure Tj out at _all_ , and this may be his only hope. 

Cyrus shoves the notebook back into his bag as he hears a door open, quickly zipping the pocket.

“Oh! Sorry Cyrus, I just forgot my water bottle,” Amber says, jogging up to the stage.

“It’s fine. I was just leaving.” He begins to stand up, trying to act casual with a small smile.

“Here, I’ll walk you out.”


	2. two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry not much happens in this chapter but i promise it's gonna get more interesting lol

Cyrus can’t count the number of times he’s traced the letters on the cover of Tj’s notebook. He’s been sitting in his bed, staring at the cover, for what’s felt like hours. It feels like it holds everything Cyrus needs to know. Well, everything he needs to know about Tj.

The last three days of Cyrus’ life can be described as nothing but confusing. He really thought he had everything figured out, and then eighth grade started and now he is right back to being just as lost as he usually is, which is so  _ unfair. _ Everyone else seems to know exactly what they’re doing, who they are, what they want, so why can’t Cyrus have that? Why does Jonah get to be so free while Cyrus has to stay suffocated by his own feelings? Well, he doesn’t have to, but honestly, his plan of coming out to Andi this weekend makes him feel queasy. It’s not that he’s scared of her reaction or that he’s ashamed; it’s just that he doesn’t like talking about himself. You’d think that having four psychologists for parents would make it easier, but of course, it hasn’t. 

And why does Walker get to come into their friend group and feel like he’s been there all along while Cyrus  _ still  _ feels out of place? He knows that Andi’s closest to him, but sometimes it doesn’t feel like he’s closest to Andi. She gets along so well with everyone that sometimes it’s hard for him not to feel like just another person in her life. And of course Buffy and Jonah are his best friends, but he doesn’t really know how to be around them without Andi there. 

Tj makes the least sense out of all of this, most likely because Cyrus has now only had one and a half direct encounters with him. He’s always had an image of who Tj Kippen was in his head, but he never thought it really mattered; it’s not like they run in the same circles. Cyrus really thought that he was going to be nothing more than a locker partner, but if he was, would Cyrus really want to read his journal that bad? Wouldn’t he just write it off as a dumb mistake and give it back to him on Monday without a second thought? If Tj really was just another kid, would he be this curious to find out more? He has so many questions and only one way to get any answers. He is not about to pass up this opportunity.

Cyrus presses his thumb into the cover of the notebook, slowly begin to flip through the pages. 

Sheets and sheets of dark, scrawly ink, some of it smooth as if it flowed right of Tj’s hand, other pieces of it scribbled and heavily edited. Cyrus doesn’t stop to read any of it. Pages and pages of Tj’s writing, until right near the end. Cyrus stops, ignoring the guilt that is panging through his chest. It’s a drawing. The girl in the picture looks familiar to him, but all of the adornments are stopping him from pinpointing where he’s seen her before. Her ears are sharp and pointy, embellished with flakes of gold that travel along the side of her face and down her neck. She has braided golden hair that wraps around twirling horns, huge ocean blue eyes, and wispy wings, so sheer they’re almost invisible. 

He flips to the next page, hoping to find another drawing, but the remaining pages are empty. Hesitantly, he opens back up to the beginning, wondering exactly what Tj has written down. 

_ Chapter 1 _

_ I wake up on the forest floor. I can’t remember anything; who I am, where I was before this, where I am now. _

_ “Timothy?” someone asks. I look around but all I can see are trees for miles. The voice is distant, like it’s far away but all around me at the same time. Like it’s the voice of God. _

_ “Who is that?” I call, my voice shaking. _

_ “Timothy? Is that you? Is it really you?” I stand up on unsteady legs. _

_ “Am I Timothy?” I shout, my voice echoing. _

_ “Timothy?” I hear from behind me. I turn around and am momentarily blinded. As my eyes adjust, I see that there’s a girl standing in the trees. A golden girl. “You came back.” _

_ “I came back?” I ask, wondering if I should know who I’m talking to. _

_ “It’s okay. I’m sure they’ll forgive you.” And with that, she begins to walk in the opposite direction. Not knowing what else to do, I follow her. _

_ “Where did I go?” I ask, trying to keep up. It’s only now that I realise she’s floating, her feet hovering off the ground by several inches. _

_ “I don’t know. You wouldn’t tell us.” I can’t figure out what any of this means. _

_ “Who will forgive me?” She hasn’t turned my way since we started walking, her eyes glued to the path ahead. _

_ “Everyone. Mostly everyone.” We walk in silence. I don’t know what else to ask. _

_ “Who are you?” She finally looks at me. Her giant blue eyes are shimmering. _

_ “You’re sister.” _

-

Cyrus can’t remember why he agreed to come to the amusement park with everyone. He doesn’t dare go on any of the rides, not after what happened the last time he ventured a spin on a roller coaster, so that leaves him sitting alone at a picnic table with his thoughts. He decides to ignore those and puts in his headphones, the one that works, blasting music loud enough to be heard over the noise of people screaming.

By the end of what seems to be around three hours, Cyrus is lying down on the picnic bench, picking at a dandelion he has held above his head. His phone died a while back, so he had to find new ways to entertain himself. Suddenly, Buffy pops into his vision. 

“You ready Cyrus?” She asks, her face barely visible through the sunbeams peeking out around her enormous hair. 

“Ready for what?” he asks, sitting up and blocking his eyes from the sun, letting the dandelion fall to the cement.

“To leave?” 

“Oh, duh. Yeah, let me get my stuff.” Cyrus swings around to grab his backpack, slipping it onto his shoulders and following Buffy out of the amusement park gates.

“What an amazing day!” Andi says, skipping down the sidewalk. “Hey, Cyrus and I were going to have a movie night. You guys want to join?” she asks. Cyrus’ shoulders sag. He was so looking forward to spending a night in with just Andi, with no pressure, no Jonah, no talking, just popcorn and musicals. 

“That sounds great!” Jonah says as Buffy nods, not looking up from her phone. Cyrus bumps lightly into her shoulder.

“Who are you texting?” She still doesn’t look up.

“No one.” she says. Cyrus begins to lag behind, and he doesn’t bother catching up.

-

Cyrus starts reading as soon as he gets home, thankful that tonight is over. 

_ “What’s your name?” _

_ “Ambria.” _

_ “Where are we going?” _

_ “You sure ask a lot of questions don’t you?” she snaps. I don’t know how to respond to that.  _

_ “Sorry.” She doesn’t say anything. We walk in silence; no birds, no wind, nothing but trees. So many trees. It doesn’t feel like we’re ever going to escape this forest. As we walk, I try to remember everything I can, but all I can come up with is what’s happened since I woke up on the forest floor.  _

_ “Did you hear that voice too?” I ask. Ambria sighs. _

_ “What voice?” she asks, obviously annoyed. I’m worried that I’m going to sound crazy. _

_ “The one… back where I woke up?” Her pace slows as she looks at me. _

_ “What?” _

- 

The school is basically empty. Cyrus got here as early as he could, giving his mom some excuse like he had to make up a test. Really, he’s here to put Tj’s notebook back. He decided that it would be easier to just slip it in their locker. If he tries to give him back to him in person, he’s afraid that his mouth will run wild and he’ll tell him everything he read. It’s better if Cyrus just forgets about it. 

Cyrus’ footsteps echo through the deserted hallway. He likes being alone. School is usually so overwhelming, but when he’s here by himself, it’s peaceful. He can pretend that all of the pressure and confusion doesn’t even exist.

 Thankfully, Tj is not at their locker when he turns the corner. Cyrus walks quickly like he’s performing some kind of top secret mission. He kind of is; he would prefer not to get caught by anyone, especially Tj. He begins putting in the combination, reaching for the zipper on his backpack as soon as he’s finished. He jumps when a door down the hall bangs open. 

“Hey Cyrus, what are you doing here?” It’s Buffy. Her hair is pulled back into a puffy ponytail and she’s gleaming with sweat.

“Um, making up a test.” The lie worked once, hopefully it will again. “How about you?” Their words echo down the hall to each other. Buffy leans on the locker next to Cyrus’ once she’s made her way to him, taking a sip from her water bottle. 

“Just practicing. Tryouts are this weekend.” 

“For what?” Cyrus asks, confused. His hand is gripping the side of his locker door, trying to cover the fact that it’s shaking. 

“For basketball.” She says it so casually, and Cyrus wonders for a moment if this shouldn’t freak him out as much as it does.

“What? You’re going to join the basketball team  _ again? _ After what happened last year?” Buffy scoffs, pushing herself upright. 

“Yeah, why wouldn’t I? I’m just gonna let Tj Kippen scare me off? No way.” Another door slams, interrupting their conversation, and the sound of voices travels down the hall. “I’ll see you later Cyrus,” Buffy says, walking back towards the gym. He can’t shake the feeling that she’s angry with him.  Cyrus looks back at his locker for a moment before slamming it, walking in the opposite direction as Buffy. 

He’ll have to put the notebook back later.


	3. three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you couldn't tell, I don't really have an update schedule. I'm just uploading these as I write so....yeah

Cyrus decides that he’s not going to read anymore of Tj’s notebook. He’s not going to let this whole fiasco mean anything. Because it doesn’t. He’s the only one who knows about it anyway. 

Cyrus’ head hurts. It’s always hurts because he’s always thinking, always conflicted. Growing up with psychologists as parents has always had him hyper aware of his feelings and how to deal with them, but everything else has told him something different, and it all collides in his head to create the perfect storm. One side of him says that his feelings are important, that he should never brush them to the side, but the other side says that they don’t matter. In the grand scheme of things, what do his problems matter? Why does he always make such a big deal about everything? Why can’t he just be chill like Jonah is? Strong like Buffy is? Happy like Andi is?

Cyrus also decides that he doesn’t feel like thinking about any of this right now, and puts a headphone in, falling asleep.

-

Maybe Cyrus is actually starting to get the hang of things when it comes to dance team. He still doesn’t understand what anyone, or even himself, is doing, but he’s not as tired after rehearsal, and that has to mean something, right? Of course then he remembers that Amber said she’d help him after class, and he becomes exhausted. Cyrus enjoys his last few minutes of solitude as best as he can before he has to get up and do it all over again.

Once, everyone clears out, Amber turns to him, redoing her hair into a ponytail.

“You ready Cyrus?” He sighs.  _ Not really. _

“Let’s do it.” Then, to his surprise, Amber comes over and sits right in front of him, crossing her legs one over the other. “Trying to do something you don’t understand is never going to work. Here.” She slides a blank sheet of paper towards him, placing a pencil in his hand. “I’m going to do a move, and then I’ll tell you what it is. Make sure to write it down. Then once you get the hang of it, I’ll do a move and have you tell me what it is. Got it?” He nods. Once you get to know Amber a bit, she’s actually really sweet. She gives Cyrus a small smile, standing up and preparing herself. “You ready?” With another nod, she starts. 

It doesn’t take long for Cyrus to get the hang of it. He’s good at memorizing things, just bad at doing them. Within a half an hour, he already has six moves learned. 

“You’re not half bad Goodman,” Amber laughs, slinging her bag over her shoulder.

“You’re not a bad teacher yourself.” Cyrus folds the paper in half, pulling out a notebook and slipping it in the pocket. 

“Same time Wednesday?” 

“Yep,” Cyrus says putting his own backpack on.

“Cyrus?” He looks over at her, forgetting to say anything. They stand there, something hanging in the air between them. “You’re doing really well.” Cyrus smiles, standing up a little taller.

“Thanks Amber.” She winks, turning and walking off the stage.

-

Cyrus realises a flaw in his plan. He got to school early again today in an attempt to return Tj’s notebook, but he can’t just  _ put _ it in their locker. Tj isn’t stupid, he’s not just going to think he left it in there this whole time. 

Again, Cyrus walks away from his locker without putting the notebook back. This thing is starting to become a serious liability.

Cyrus starts towards his first class. He’ll be fifteen minutes early and probably have to sit in awkward silence with the teacher, but it’s not like he has anything better to do. Being in the school alone has already gotten old.

When Cyrus walks into his first period, he’s surprised to see Buffy there, mostly because she doesn’t take this class. She’s sitting at a desk in the back of the room, furiously typing away on her phone. She looks overwhelmed. 

“Buffy?” He clearly startles her. Cyrus can visibly see her put on her brave face.

“Hey Cy, what’s up?” 

“Um, nothing much. What are you doing here?” He takes a few steps into the room, letting his bag fall next to his desk, but he doesn’t sit down.

“Just-” she scrambles to find an answer. Cyrus has never seen Buffy’s emotions so plainly laid out before. “Just, waiting for someone.” 

“Who?” he asks, fearing he’s prying too far.

“Um, Mrs. Roberts. I had a question about something.” Cyrus knows that she’s lying. Mrs. Roberts only teaches advanced english and journalism, neither of which Buffy is in, but he’s not trying to embarrass her or anything, so he drops it.

“Oh, okay.” He swings around to sit in his desk, beginning to pull his stuff out of his backpack. “Oh, and Buffy?” Whatever relief she had before is immediately gone. 

“Yeah?” she asks, her voice thick.

“I’m always here, if you need to talk, or something.” She smiles, standing up, obviously ready to escape while she can.

“Thank Cy. I’ll see you later, yeah?” And just like that, Cyrus is alone again.

-

“Hey Cyrus!” Andi suddenly appears above him.

“Oh, um, hi Andi. What are you doing here?” Cyrus continues to pack up his stuff. The auditorium is practically empty except for Amber, who is very obviously eavesdropping. 

“I thought we could walk home together.” Cyrus doesn’t know why this makes him feel so bright inside. They walk home together all the time. He smiles up at her, grabbing his bag and sliding it onto his shoulders. 

“You wanna go to the spoon?” he asks as he stands up. 

“Sure.” Cyrus starts to leave, but Andi stays put. He gives her a questioning glance.

“What?” She takes a small step forward, leaning in to whisper.

“Who is that?” she asks, her head nodding towards Amber.

“Our TA. Amber.” Andi nods, stepping back, not taking her eyes off of her.

“Do you wanna meet her?” Cyrus tries not to laugh while Andi shrugs.

“I was just wondering.” 

“Hey Amber!” Cyrus calls, turning around. Amber perks up, obviously having heard everything they just said. “This is my friend Andi.”

“Hi,” they say at the same time, giggling and shaking hands. What is Cyrus witnessing? He’s never seen Andi like this before. 

“We’re going to the Spoon… do you want to come?” he asks.

“Oh, no,” Amber says, grabbing her things, “I mean, of course I  _ want  _ to,” she starts to look flustered, “but I shouldn’t. I’ll see you around though?” She says it very hopefully. It goes silent as Amber and Andi stare at each other. Andi nods, squeaking out a small “mmm-hmm.” 

“Bye Amber.” Cyrus says. It’s like she completely forgot he’s there.

“Oh, yeah see you later Cyrus.” He and Andi make their way down the stage. As soon as they’re out of earshot, he turns towards her, eyes wide.

“What was that?”

“What was what?” she replies, her voice cracking. Cyrus scoffs. Andi hasn’t stopped smiling.

“Whatever that was. What was going on between you guys?” Cyrus pushes open the door, letting Andi through.

“Seriously Cy, I don’t know what you mean.” She walks through the entry, promptly running into someone. 

“Sorry! Oh, hey Walker!”  _ Of course. _ Cyrus sucks on his teeth, holding back the eye roll just waiting to burst out of him. He stands there, holding the auditorium door open for no one while Andi and Walker fall deep into conversation.

“Hey Andi, I actually just remembered something I have to do,” Cyrus lied, sneaking away from the pair. “But, reign check on the Spoon?”

“Um, yeah of course.” And she goes right back to Walker, not fully noticing Cyrus leave.

-

Maybe it’s extremely cliche, but Cyrus feels like he needs a can to kick all the way home. It would complete his melancholy. He shoves his hands deeper into his pockets the more he walks, keeping his eyes glued to the ground in front of him.

“How long is it going to take for you to notice me?” Someone suddenly says beside him, startling him enough to almost make him fall into the street. He looks up, right into Tj’s smiling eyes as he howls with laughter.

“How long were you standing there?” Cyrus demands, letting out a few chuckles himself.

“Not long.” Tj starts to regain his composure as they both begin walking again. “You seemed really stuck in your head, so I took the opportunity.” Now they both are walking with their hands in their pockets, staring at the ground. There’s an obvious tension in the air. “What were you thinking about?” Cyrus shrugs, not entirely able to pick out a certain point from his highlight reel of disaster thoughts.

“Nothing much, just kind of a rough year so far I guess.”

“Yeah, I get that.” Cyrus swallows, looking up at the side of Tj’s face.

“Yeah? What’s going on with you?” Tj looks down at him, his face still.

“Things,” he says with a shrug.

“Of course. Things. How couldn’t I have known?” Tj bumps into his side, breaking into a smile again.

“I never pinpointed you as a smart aleck.”

“Well, you don’t really know me, do you?” They glance at each other.

“No, but that could change.” Tj’s grin is almost mischievous. One part of Cyrus is happy, happy that there is another side to Tj, that he isn’t just a stereotypical bully, but the other half can feel the notebook in his backpack like it’s on fire.


	4. four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i seriously thought this one was long but it's actually the shortest one lol

“Hello?” Tj calls, peeking through his front door. “Nice.” He pushes in, sliding his shoes off and dropping his backpack onto a leather recliner in the living room. Cyrus stands awkwardly in the entryway, keeping his shoes and backpack on. Tj’s house does not look like either of Cyrus’  _ at all _ . His house looks lived in. There aren’t framed school pictures lining the walls, but random printed out photos and drawings stuck on with tape. Their couch has blankets and pillows strewn across it, none of them adorned with beads or cheesy printed messages about family. 

“You can come in,” Tj laughs, walking into the kitchen. “I’m not gonna bite.” Cyrus rolls his eyes, dropping his backpack by the door and venturing into the living room.

“I like your house,” Cyrus says, looking over the stack of DVDs next to the TV.

“Thanks. It’s a piece of crap though.” Cyrus stands up straight as Tj returns, grabbing the can of soda he has extended towards him.

“I don’t think so. It’s cool.”

“If you think three people living in 900 square feet is cool, then yeah, it is pretty cool.” They stand in semi-awkward silence as they take their first sip.

“Three? It’s just you and your parents?” Tj shakes his head, swallowing and smacking his lips.

“No, it’s just me, my dad, and my sister.” Cyrus doesn’t ask about his mom.“Wanna go up to my room?” Tj asks, breaking the tension about to form.

“Sure.” They both set their drinks down on the coffee table, walking over to the stairs. 

“Oh, and by the way,” Tj says, turning to face Cyrus. “You can take your shoes off.” Cyrus can feel heat spread down his neck as he slides his shoes off next to Tj’s.

“Voila,” Tj says, grandly opening his bedroom door once they make it upstairs. “Chez Tj.” Tj’s room is even more personal than the rest of his house. Paper is everywhere; drawings, notes, books, sheet music. The room’s drowning in it. A keyboard sits propped against the small bookcase at the end of his bed, covered in different multi-colored stickers. His bed is unmade, everything on it dark blue. “Sorry it’s messy,” Tj kicks some stray clothes out of the way. “I wasn’t expecting company.”

“It’s fine,” Cyrus says absentmindedly, tracing his hands against the edge of Tj’s desk.

“Music?” Tj’s holding up a CD, because of course he is the type of person to listen to CD’s. Cyrus can’t tell what it is, but he nods anyway. He still doesn’t know what it is when it starts playing.

“You know him?” Tj asks, walking over to where Cyrus is standing. He shakes his head. “Called Cavetown.” Tj’s standing right next to him now, looking down at Cyrus’ hands still tracing the edge of his desk. “You like it?”

“Yeah.” He glances over at Tj. A small smirk appears at the corner of his mouth.“It’s really good.” After about a minute of instrumentals, the lyrics finally start.

_ And I can't really find a cause _

_ Whether it's all just in my mind or something more here in my life _

Cyrus licks his lips nervously, focusing on the music. It’s so slow it almost brings time down with it.

_ It’s u, it’s u, oh god it’s u, it’s u _

“It’s cool,” Cyrus says because he doesn’t really know what else to say, or do. They both continue to look at his hands. He doesn’t know what to do with them besides what they’ve been doing, so they continue to go round and round, circling the corner of the desk. Cyrus feels his heart skip when Tj places his hand on top of his, stopping the motion.

“Is that a nervous tick or something?” 

_ It's always been u _

_ Is it me for u? _

Cyrus can’t seem to form any words.

“Tj!” someone calls from downstairs, slamming the front door, making the whole house shake. The song ends. Tj takes his hand away, quickly pausing the CD player and leaving his room. Cyrus follows.

“Hey dad,” he calls as he goes down the stairs, turning the corner and making his way to the kitchen. Tj’s dad is standing at the fridge in scrubs, looking over its contents.

“Hey bud. Sorry the fridge is so empty, I haven’t had time to go to the store yet. I’ll leave some money for you and your sister to order something later okay?” he turns around. “Oh, who’s this?”

“Um, this is my friend Cyrus. We we’re just listening to some music.” Tj’s dad quirks an eyebrow as he pulls the lid off of a yogurt. 

“Alright, but you know the rules Teej. No closed doors when you have bo-”

“Yes! Yes, sorry, I got it dad,” he interrupts, clearly not wanting his dad to speak the rest of that sentence. “We’ll just hang out in the living room.” Tj grabs Cyrus by the arm, pulling him out of the kitchen. “Sorry about that.” His shoulders visibly drop a few inches as they fall onto the couch.

“It’s fine.” Cyrus doesn’t really know what to think.

-

“Tj! You will not  _ believe _ the girl I met today. She was- Cyrus!?” 

“Amber?” It takes Cyrus’ mind a minute to catch up with what’s going on. Amber, yes Amber, has just burst into Tj’s house, and Tj has a sister, which means that  _ Amber  _ is that sister. “You’re sister is  _ Amber _ ?” Tj sits up, looking confusedly back and forth between them.

“Um, yeah? How do you guys know each other?”

“Dance team,” they say at the same time. Tj’s confusion doesn’t fade.

“You’re on the dance team?” Cyrus sighs, falling back into the crease of the couch.

“Long story.” 

“Who is this girl?” Tj’s dad asks suddenly from the entry to the kitchen. They all jump, obviously unaware of presence. 

“Dad!” Amber seethes.

“What? It’s a harmless question!” Amber groans, running upstairs without even taking her shoes off. “Alright,” he says. Tj turns to Cyrus as his dad walks back into the kitchen, his eyebrows raised.

“What?” Cyrus asks.

“Dance team?” Tj says, barely able to hold back his laughter.

“Ugh, can’t we just drop it?”

“No, I’m sorry, but we can’t.” Cyrus drops his face into his hands, sighing.

“I had to join dance team to get out of gym.” It feels like some kind of confession.

“Is gym really worse than the dance team?”

“Honestly?” Cyrus says, sitting back up to look at Tj. “They’re both awful. I can’t do a kick any better than I can do a pushup.” He falls back into the couch again, feeling defeated at the idea of any of it. “Thank God Amber agreed to help me. Maybe then I won’t be totally useless.”

“Hey,” Tj puts a hand on Cyrus’ arm, jolting him to attention. His hand is warm. “You’re not useless. And, if you ever need help with the… pushup side of things, I can help you with that.” Cyrus rolls his head to look at him. He’s smiling. Now that he knows they’re related, Cyrus can see a lot of similarities between Amber and Tj. They’re both very intimidating at first, but once you get to know them, they're like puppies; and they both have the most amazing smiles. Seeing them happy just makes you happy. Cyrus has pretty much completely forgotten about the fact that he thought of Tj as a bully for the majority of the previous year. It barely took one conversation for Cyrus to like him.

“Thanks.”

-

“Alright boys. I’m heading out. You staying for dinner Cyrus?” Tj’s dad is back after they’ve finished two episodes of  _ Parks and Rec. _

“Um, no thank you. I should probably get going actually.” He nods, pulling a set of keys out of his pocket.

“Okay. I’ll be back tomorrow Tj. Amber!” he yells up the stairs. “I’m leaving!” She yells back, something pretty incoherent to Cyrus, but it must make sense to Mr. Kippen because he nods, telling Tj he loves him before slamming the front door behind him.

“You really have to get going?” Tj asks, sitting up and resting his hands on his knees. 

“Yeah. My moms probably worried sick.” Cyrus really should’ve texted. Like  _ really. _ But hopefully he can come up with an excuse. “I’ll see you tomorrow though?” Tj smiles again.

“Yeah. Here I’ll walk you out.”

-

“Tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow.”

“Bye Cyrus.”

“Bye Tj.” He gives him one last look before closing the door. Cyrus turns, looking down at his hand, remembering Tj’s being on top of it. He grabs his arm, remember Tj’s hand being there too. He smiles at the thought. Then he pushes all of those thoughts away and starts heading home, deciding not to worry about it right now.

Cyrus completely forgot the notebook was even in his bag.


	5. five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> first of all sorry for not posting in a long time i have had absolutely zero motivation to write lately also sorry this chapter is waaaaay shorter than the other ones but the next one is really long and this place made sense to split it. i know the story is a little slow rn but it's gets better haha. thanks for all the love so far <3

“Hey Cyrus!” Cyrus is sprung back into reality at the sound of Buffy’s voice, which is overwhelming cheerful with a suspicious amount of bite to it. He had been on his way to his locker, ready to give up on trying to figure out what is the best way to get rid of the stupid notebook and just put it back once and for all, but of course yet another roadblock had to come between him and a guilt free concience. He discreetly checked the time on the clock posted on the wall, mentally counting how many minutes he had before Tj got to school.

“Hey Buffy, what’s up?”

“Oh, nothing much really. Just wanted to check in. What’s been going on with you lately?” The cheery was starting to fade, pure venom taking its place. 

“Um, nothing. Is there something you want to ask me?” Her face contorts into an all out grimace.

“Why are you hanging out with Tj?”  _ What? _

“How did you even-”

“Andi saw you leave with him the other day.” Oh, right, the one thing Andi  _ finally _ notices is him with Tj. Wow, Cyrus didn’t realise he was so bitter. Or, maybe he did, but just like with everything else, he chose to ignore it.

“Um, I-I don’t know. He asked me too. I’m sorry, I didn’t want to say no.”

“Oh! You didn’t want to hurt his feelings? What about mine Cyrus! Why didn’t you think of that?”  _ As if you ever consider my feelings!  _ Cyrus yelled back in his head.

“I’m sorry Buffy. Really. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I’ll stop hanging out with him if you want.”  _ Even if it’s not what I want. _

“I would if I were you. That guys a jerk Cyrus. I can’t believe you would ever hang around him.” The moments over as soon as it began. Buffy stomps away, pulling out her phone and beginning to furiously type on it. She’s literally fuming. And honestly, so is Cyrus. He stands in the middle of the hallway, arms hanging at his side, not really knowing what to do. On one hand, he hates making his friends mad. He hates making anyone mad. But on the other, he’s pretty pissed off. 

He can never do anything wrong. Not in the way that his friends will defend him no matter what, but in a way that if he does do something wrong,  _ everyone  _ is utterly disappointed. He has so many expectations to live up to, from his parents, from his friends, from himself, and he can’t let them slip. He’s being pulled in twenty different directions. He always pushes his feelings aside because his friends expect him to be there for theirs. He stops thinking for himself so he can think for others. 

When your whole life revolves around everyone else, you begin to leave yourself behind.

Tj’s at their locker when Cyrus finally gets there. His mind tells him to just get it over with, rip the band-aid off and tell Tj everything. He needs a reason for Tj to hate him anyway. He knows that he can’t betray Buffy. But his body doesn’t move. His feet stay planted as his eyes watch Tj, and Cyrus already knows what’s happening. He knows why he doesn’t want to give up on Tj. And this time, it’s hard not to think about. It’s hard for him to ignore Tj’s fluffy hair, and the way his shoulders move as he reaches for a high shelf. It’s hard for him to forget the feeling of Tj’s hand on his, and the way his smile makes him feel. Wow, Cyrus really is pathetic. Falls for every guy he meets.

-

Buffy’s phone screen is bright under the table. Since the year started, all she’s been doing is tapping on her phone, every chance she gets. Cyrus’ eyes flit between the board and her thumbs.

“Who are you texting?” he whispers, prompting her to shut her phone off and quickly slide it into her pocket. He tries to fall back into the swing of things, tries to forget the fight they had this morning. He’s not going to lose Buffy over something so stupid. He’ll make her and Tj makeup if he has to. 

“No one.” She picks up her pencil, pretending as if she’s been immersed in note taking this whole time. Obviously she’s not as willing to move on.

“Buffy, you’ve been texting all year. I can’t remember the last time you weren’t.”

“It’s no one Cyrus. Just drop it.” He sighs, leaning into his hand as he copies down yet another line. 

-

Cyrus had a brief thought this morning that maybe since he has a growing infatuation with Tj (something that continues to baffle him) he won’t care about Jonah anymore. Wrong. 

Well, not entirely. He doesn’t gaze at Jonah quite as hopelessly as he used to. He doesn’t think about Jonah before he goes to bed or when he wakes up, and his heart doesn’t beat quite as fast at physical contact. So, it’s fading. However, seeing him with Walker still makes him insanely jealous. He thinks, hopes, that it’s simply because he has someone and Cyrus doesn’t, not because he wants to be with Jonah, but that’s pretty wishful thinking.

Lunches are the dullest part of Cyrus’ day. Buffy still sits hunched over her phone the whole time, Andi and Walker talk about art, and Jonah sits there with his natural smile, contently listening. Cyrus sulks at the end of the table, stealing an occasional glance at Tj. He has yet to catch him staring again, but the image of their eyes locking from two weeks ago is still burned into his memory. He hated Tj then. Well, he doesn’t exactly not hate him now. He hates him because he knows he should. Does compulsory hate count?

His phone buzzes in his pocket, pulling him out of the fog.

**_A: you okay?_ ** He looks up to find Andi looking at him with her sympathetic eyes, a concerned smile spreading across her face.

**_C: yeah I’m okay. Why?_ **

**_A: just seem sad. Want to hang out later?_ **

**_C: can’t tonight. I have dance practice and hw. Tomorrow?_ **

**_A: tomorrow it is :)_ ** Cyrus smiles to himself, but it doesn’t feel right.

Does compulsory friendship count?


	6. six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay again, sorry, but imma try to get these out more frequently. somehow even in the middle of july school is still kicking my ass lol. anyway, hope you enjoy <3 thanks for all of the love so far

Cyrus is nervous. Should he be nervous? He can’t tell. He hasn’t knocked on the door yet, so he’s just standing on Andi’s front porch, sleeping bag under his arm, thoughts racing through his mind. What are they gonna talk about? What are they gonna do? Has Andi noticed how weird he’s been? Has she figured it out? Why is Cyrus so nervous? Just as Cyrus lifts his hand to knock on the door, it opens. Both him and Bex take a startled step back.

“Oh! Hey Cyrus! Are you and Andi hanging out tonight?”

“Did she not tell you?” Cyrus asks, taking another self-conscious step backwards.

“No, but it’s okay. She must’ve just forgotten. She’s in her room now. I’ll see you guys later okay?” She walks past him, pulling a jangling set of keys out of the pocket of her leather jacket. Cyrus walks into the wide open doorway.

“Andi?” The door slams. 

“One minute!” he hears distantly. He clutches his sleeping bag harder under his arm, standing on the rug right in front of the door without taking his shoes off, like he needs to be invited inside, like he’s never been here before. He waits and waits, hearing no noise coming from Andi’s bedroom, or anywhere else in the house for that matter. The silence gives Cyrus too much room to worry again, too much freedom to wonder if this is going to be the most awkward night of his life and Andi will never speak to him again. 

A loud strum of an electric guitar rings from Andi’s room and she slides around the corner with the slam of her bedroom door, a bluetooth speaker dangling from her finger as she pretends to play electric guitar. Cyrus laughs, already feeling the tension lift from his mind. She slides forward and grabs his hand and they both dance around in the kitchen to the ear splitting music.

“You ready for the best night ever?” Andi shouts over the booming bass.

“Of course! What’s planned?” Cyrus knows that even after his multitude of dance lessons he still has no rhythm, but it doesn’t stop him from going all out. Andi laughs with him at his horrible dance moves.

“Movies, pizza, dancing, the whole shabang! Unless of course-” the music quiets, “you wanted to do something else?” Andi seems slightly unsure of herself, something she rarely ever is, especially when she’s just around Cyrus. Cyrus starts to worry that it wasn’t all just in his head.

“No! Of course not! That sounds perfect.” They both smile.

It doesn’t take long before they’re both in pajamas, lying in a pile of blankets on the livingroom floor and drowning in greasy cheese pizza. The movie has been playing in the background (Hairspray of course. Why fix something if it ain’t broken?) but for the first time neither of them are really paying attention. They’ve been talking about this and that for the entire forty five minutes, and it hasn’t felt awkward at all (Cyrus knew it had just been in his head).

“Do you know who Buffy’s been texting all the time?” Andi asks.

“No! I asked her the other day and she totally gave me the cold shoulder!”

“I know! Everytime I bring it up she gets really snippy. I’ve stopped asking.”

“Me too.”

“Who do you think it is?” Cyrus chews, thinking through the many possible theories that have been running through his head.

“I have no idea.”

“Well, think about it,” Andi says, grabbing another slice. “It has to be someone she wouldn’t want us to know she’s texting. She wouldn’t just keep it a secret for no reason.”

“That’s true.” The first person that pops into his mind is Tj, and honestly his heart churns at the idea of them exchanging texts.“I can’t think of anyone.” His voice wavers.

“I have a few ideas.” Cyrus is dreading what she’s going to say next. “I’ve already thought of Tj, but when it comes to feelings of hate Buffy isn’t very good at hiding them, and she definitely still does not like that guy.” Cyrus silently exhales. “Then I thought of Jonah, but I know Jonah isn’t a scumbag who would cheat on Walker and also, ew, so lastly I came to the idea that it must be one of Tj’s _friends._ I mean, she was on the basketball team with them all of last year, and besides Tj none of them really disliked her, and tryouts are in a few weeks, so it has to be one of them.” Cyrus lets all of this process. 

“I still don’t get why she would hide this from us. We’re not going to be mad if she likes someone _associated_ with Tj. I wouldn’t even be mad if she liked Tj.” _Not really. Not for the reasons Andi thinks._ “She’s the one who has a problem with him, not us.”

“I know but you know Buffy. She has so much pride.” They go quiet for a minute, both taking huge bites out of their pizza.

“Who do you think it is?” Cyrus asks. Andi shakes her head.

“The only person I actually know on the basketball team is Marty. I guess it could be him. It could be any of them really.” Cyrus doesn’t know a single person on the basketball team. Besides Tj, and he’s already been ruled out (thank God). 

They fall into silence, chewing happily on their pizza and actually watching the movie, Andi reaching for the remote and turning up the volume a couple of notches. Andi must’ve been thinking about Buffy a lot. Cyrus has been too, but out of everything going on in his head it hasn’t been top priority.

Just then, just as that thought swims through his mind, Cyrus feels a hollowness in his stomach, but it isn’t entirely unwelcome. He looks at Andi, completely oblivious, contentedly watching the screen. His whole body goes slightly cold, and he feels it in his fingertips. He feels the time ticking like it’s a heartbeat, and knows. A smile creeps onto his face and the shivers are replaced by a warmth, one that he has when he feels absolutely sure of himself (which is rare).

“Hey Andi?”

“Hmm?” she hums, not taking her eyes off of the movie.

“Can I tell you something?” She looks at him, still chewing, her cheeks full like a hamster, and sets her slice down, turning the TV off completely. 

“Of course Cy. What’s up?” Her hand creeps onto his and his heart speeds up again.

“Well, it’s just, I’ve been meaning to tell you something for a while but-” he knows he’s stalling. “I guess I just never had the right moment. And I don’t want to make you feel awkward so it’s been hard and-” he’s not making much sense anymore. “Well I guess it’s just that.” He can’t look at her. He doesn’t want to even begin trying to understand what her face is saying. He thinks of every way he could say this: I like Jonah, I like boys, I’m jealous of Jonah, I like Tj, I’m gay. He decides that out of that list, there’s only one thing he knows for sure.

“It’s just that I’m gay.” Her hand twitches on top of his, so minisculely it’s hard to even tell. He looks at her hand and waits for her to either grab his or pull it away completely. He watches and watches and still feels the clock in his veins.

“That’s great Cy.” He slowly brings his head up, and she’s smiling at him, her hand snaking its way into his. “I’m glad you told me.”

“I’m glad I did too.” And without a second thought he falls into her arms and she gladly wraps around him.

“Do you wanna talk more about it?” she asks into his shoulder. Cyrus squeezes his eyes, thinking about Jonah, thinking about Jonah and _Andi_ , thinking about his jealousy and Tj and the fact that maybe he’s not very jealous anymore and about Tj’s hand and what it all means. He thinks about how he knows what it all means and then about how he doesn’t really want to. And then he thinks about how much he loves Andi and it all fades away into a soft thrum of background noise.

“No. I’m perfect just like this.”


	7. seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> look who actually got the next chapter out sooner than two weeks? i'm hopefully going to finish this before the finale fingers crossed. y'all still enjoying it?

For once in a long time, Cyrus isn’t dreading going to school. Well, he’s not excited because, I mean, it’s school, but besides that he’s feeling unusually confident in himself. He did something and it went well. Andi didn’t swear him off as her best friend, the world didn’t spontaneously combust, time continued ticking. He feels great. Just as he pushes the school doors open, he sees Tj coming down the hall towards him.

“Cyrus!” Tj says, smiling. Cyrus smiles back at him.

“Hey Tj! What’s up?”

“What are you doing this weekend?”

“What?” Tj falls into step next to him, neither of them looking at where they’re going.

“Are you busy?” 

“Oh.” Cyrus thinks. “No, I guess not. Why?”

“Wanna hang out?”  _ With me? _ Is Cyrus’ first thought. His confusion is soon overcome with excitement, and his smile grows even bigger.

“With you?”

“Of course! We can hang at my place again. Or y-your place whichever is fine.” Both of their paces slow and Tj comes to stand in front of Cyrus, looking down at him.

“No let’s go to yours.” Cyrus doesn’t want Tj to see how much different their houses are. Their lives are.

“Cool. I’ll see you Friday?” He starts backing away, looking briefly over his shoulder to make sure he’s not going to bump into anyone or anything.

“Yeah. Sounds cool.” He disappears around a corner, and it takes Cyrus a couple of seconds to start moving.

-

Cyrus’ confidence doesn’t last very long after that. There’s still a small hum of excitement in the back of his mind, but his usual amount of anxiety comes back.

Maybe things with Andi didn’t go so smoothly. She isn’t talking to him quite as much, and everytime they meet eyes, she quickly looks away as if she was never looking in the first place. Buffy is still ignoring the both of them, and Jonah is… well he’s Jonah. Blissfully oblivious.

He thinks he needs to talk to Andi, but he doesn’t want to make her feel pressured or uncomfortable. If there’s something she wants to talk about, she’ll talk about it, in her own time. 

“So what are everyone’s plans for this weekend?” Andi asks, not looking up from the food she’s picking at.

“I think Walker and I are gonna do something,” Jonah says, biting off the end of a sandwich.

“Buffy?” Andi turns towards her.

“Um,” she pauses, finishing whatever she’s typing. “I don’t know yet. Probably nothing.”

“I think Tj and I are gonna hang out.”  _ What? Cyrus why did you just say that? _ For the first time in weeks, Buffy looks up. In fact, the whole table looks at him, and he feels every set of eyes burning through him.

“What?” Buffy spits.

“I mean- Tj’s gonna be there but-” His brain short circuits. He can’t think of a way out of this. He desperately searchers, combing through his brain for any piece of rational thought. “Amber was gonna help me with something-”

“And why would Tj be there for that?” Andi asks. Crap. They don’t know they’re siblings. Can he tell them? Is it a secret? Do Jonah and Buffy even know who Amber is?

“Cyrus, what’s going on?” Jonah asks. He looks at Buffy who is fuming. Andi looks confused, her eyebrows knit it in disappointment. Jonah just looks lost.

“We- Well, we’ve been hanging out a bit and-”

“Just a few weeks ago you were complaining about having to share a locker with him and now you guys are all buddy buddy?” Buffy leans forward, her face getting angrier and more hurt by the second.

“It wasn’t on purpose he’s just been nice and we’ve only hung out once-”

“Cyrus, you know how mean he was to Buffy last year,” Andi says softly.

“I know! I know but he’s different know I promise you-”

“Really? Maybe he’s nice to you Cyrus. It’s because you’re  _ a boy. _ I know that I’m going to walk into basketball tryouts on Wednesday and he’s going to be just as nasty to me as he was last year.” She falls back into her seat, a swirl of emotions playing across her face.  _ Why can’t you keep your mouth shut Cyrus? _

“I’m sorry Buffy-”

“If you’re so sorry than you better not hang out with him anymore. If our friendship means anything to you.” She picks up her tray and storms out of the cafeteria, leaving it sitting on top of a garbage can.

-

Cyrus eases the gym doors open. It’s packed full of people in sports attire, the only girl visibly prominent in the room. Buffy’s standing in the middle of the court, her head held high as she warms up. He can’t see Tj anywhere yet. He closes the doors as quietly as he can, not daring to sit in the bleachers and setting his bag and himself down on the edge of the wall. The coach yells for everyone to line up, ready to start drills, and that’s when Tj finally bursts out of the locker room doors, pulling a shoe on.

“Sorry!” he yells, trying not to trip.

“Tj,” the coach acknowledges, not saying anything else. Cyrus looks over at Buffy who is very purposely not looking at Tj with a snarl on her face. Cyrus’ stomach swirls.

Everyone begins to dribble back and forth, working on passing the ball or something, that’s honestly not what Cyrus is paying attention to. He’s had his eyes glued on Buffy the whole time who has very deliberately had her eyes glued anywhere besides Tj. It looks like Tj has yet to notice Buffy is even there. Cyrus doesn’t know how to feel about that.

The clock ticks by slowly for the hour Cyrus sits there, and by the end of tryouts there has been no type of contact between Buffy and Tj, positive or negative. He sighs, grabbing his stuff, walking out the gym doors as the players file off into the boy’s locker room, all but one.

-

Cyrus realises once he gets home that he could’ve easily just figured out who Buffy has been texting. That about sums up his life right now; a day late and a dollar short. More like a couple hours late and few ounces of self-control short.

He thinks about texting Buffy and asking how tryouts went, then he thinks about texting Tj, then he decides he doesn’t want to deal with any of it and he doesn’t have Tj’s number, so he elects to go to sleep. Why does his life feel like such a huge mystery?

-

“Are you okay Cyrus?” Practice hasn’t started yet, but Cyrus really isn’t in the mood to warm up. Amber is lying in the splits, looking at him with her swimming eyes.

“Yeah I’m fine.”

“You sure?” He sighs. Of course not, but it’s not like he can get into any of this right now, let alone with Amber.

“Yeah. I’ll be okay.” She smiles, obviously not convinced.

-

Cyrus is almost completely packed up Friday, ready for this week to be over, when he hears squeaking shoes and loud voices coming from the gym down the hall. He starts towards them, not remembering when he got so nosey.

He looks through the wired windows to find Buffy and Tj of all people, playing what seems to be a very unfriendly game of one on one. He tries to hear what they’re saying, pressing his ear into the door.

“Tj, you were a jerk to me last year. Don’t even try to deny it.” 

“I’m not denying it Buffy! I’m trying to apologize. It was a rough year last year okay? I know I shouldn’t have taken it out on you, but I promise that’s not me.”

“Just because you were going through a hard time didn’t mean you had to give me one.”

“I  _ know! _ And I’m sorry. I was just dealing with a lot okay? But it’s all over now. Everything’s fine and I’m totally cool with you being on the team. More than cool.” Cyrus takes his ear away from the door, peering back through the window. Tj has his arms hanging at his sides, obviously in surrender. “I’m sorry Buffy.” She has a ball clutched to her chest, visibly on defense.

“It’s gonna take a lot more than that Tj. Don’t think you can sweet talk me.” Cyrus runs down the hall as she starts to head in his direction.

-

“Hey Tj, you okay?”  _ Of course he’s not. You know that Cyrus. Yes well I shouldn’t know that so shut up and act natural. _

“Do you know how I can get Buffy to forgive me?” Oh. Okay. That was easier than Cyrus expected.

“Um, maybe. Well, no. Not really. Actually, she’s kinda mad at me too. But I’m sure we can come up with something!” Cyrus tries to sound hopeful but he’s been racking his brain for days for ways to get Buffy to forgive him and come up with absolutely nothing.

“She’s not mad at you because of me is she?” Tj’s eyes are turned down at the corners. He looks like a hurt puppy. Cyrus feels his neck heat up.

“Well…” nothing.

“Ugh.” Tj let’s his head fall on his arm leaning against their locker. “I’m sorry Cyrus. I didn’t mean to be so mean to her. It was just- a rough year.” 

“Oh, is everything okay now?” Nosey, nosey, nosey.

“Yeah Cy. It’s all good.” A sad smile slips onto Tj’s face, his mind still racing through his eyes.

“I promise. We’ll come up with something. Together.” Hopefully. 


	8. eight

“Tj?” They’ve been walking in melancholy silence towards Tj’s house, taking a lot longer than they probably need to.

“Yeah?”

“Can I ask why last year was so hard?” Cyrus feels Tj tense next to him, standing up a little straighter like someone poked a needle in the base of his spine.

“Well-”

“You don’t have to! I just thought maybe it would help us come up with a way for Buffy to forgive you?” It comes out as a question. Cyrus is trying to tread lightly, not over step Tj’s boundaries. Tj turns and gives him the same sad smile as before.

“It’s okay Cy. I don’t mind.” Cyrus doesn’t reply, giving Tj room to start talking.

“Well, I guess there’s no point in beating around the bush,” he takes a deep breath, looking around at the trees hovering over them. “My mom left last year. I guess she decided that family life just wasn’t for her and ran off with most of our money, leaving us to live in our crap little house and my dad to work twelve hour shifts five times a week. And it just, I don’t know, it made me feel like- like I wasn’t wanted I guess. And then there was some other stuff with Amber and my dad and everything just kind of blew up and then Buffy came on the team and she was so good and I guess I just felt threatened. Like, basketball is one of the only things I’m good at, and I didn’t want that to be taken away too.” Tj’s voice has gone all low and rough. Cyrus can’t tell if he’s about to cry.

“Hey,” Cyrus reaches out a hand, placing it on his forearm. He doesn’t remember meaning to do that. “I’ve known Buffy basically all of my life. If you told her that, I’m sure she would understand.” Tj stopped moving as soon as Cyrus touched him. It takes him a minute to say anything.

“I know. I know that she’s a good person, an understanding one. I just don’t know if I can.” Cyrus knows what that’s like.

-

The weekend was dull. Besides hanging out with Tj of course. They watched more Parks and Rec, at pizza and listened to music and hung out with Amber. They talked for a long time; about Buffy, about Tj’s mom, about a lot of stuff. And it was all so good. And then he went home and everything felt so downhill. And now it’s Monday and he’s at school. He’s early again, this time not because he’s going to return Tj’s notebook (he’s decided that the locker plan is a hopeless cause) but because he actually has a quiz to make up. Cyrus walks to the algebra classroom, already defeated by this week. He can’t even be bothered to be nervous about the test.

“Jonah?” Cyrus lets the door slam behind him, rushing over to Jonah’s side. He’s sputtering, gasping for air, clutching the side of one of the desks he’s crouching between. “Jonah are you okay?” He doesn’t answer, just continues to breath sharply, shaking his head at the ground.  _ Is Jonah having a panic attack? _ Jonah looks up at him, his face red, he’s eyes watering; he looks so scared. “Breathe. Just breathe. With me.” Cyrus takes a deep breath, not taking his eyes off Jonah. Jonah tries to breath in. It takes him a few times, but his breaths start to even out. His hair is wet with sweat. “That’s it, just breathe.”

“Cyrus-”

“Breathe. In and out. In and out.”

-

Jonah is sipping on a cup of water, now sitting in a desk with his other hand clenched in between his legs. Cyrus is in the desk next to his, leaning towards him like he’s about to faint at any moment.

“How are you feeling?” Jonah sets the cup down in front of him, staring at it.

“Better.” 

“Do you want to tell me what happened?” Jonah looks hurt when he turns to Cyrus.

“I was just walking down the hall when my eyes started going blurry. I couldn’t breath and my legs started to feel numb and tingly, so I went into the first classroom I could. You found me right after that.” Cyrus nods, waiting to see if he’s going to say more. “I thought I was dying.” Cyrus smiles, hoping it seems supportive and not accusatory.

“It was a panic attack,” he explains. Jonah nods, taking another sip of water. He doesn’t say anything to that; he probably already figured it out himself.

“Why?”

“Sometimes they just happen,” Cyrus says, shrugging. Jonah goes silent again. 

“I’m glad you found me. I don’t know what would’ve happened if I had to go through that alone.” Cyrus smiles at Jonah’s profile.

“Glad I could help.”

-

It’s been fifteen minutes since dance team practice started. He’s aware that he’s skipping and it’s eating away at him, but he has to do this. It takes another fifteen minutes until the gym doors open, the basketball team spilling out. Nobody sees him pushes up against the wall, clinging to his backpack. Finally, Buffy walks past him.

“Buffy!” He reaches out for her arm. She doesn’t even turn around, shaking out of his grip.

“Go away Cyrus.” She keeps walking.

“Please Buffy. Can I just apologize?” He chases after her, no doubt looking as desperate as he feels.

“How Cyrus? What are you going to make this better?” She’s turned, hovering over him even if they’re pretty much the same height. “If it’s not never talk to Tj again, then I don’t want to hear it.” 

“It’s… not, but Buffy please hear me out!” He follows her all the way down the hall, around the corner, and runs into her just as she runs into Tj, who looks like he might have been listening in on their conversation.

“Sorry!” he says, ducking out of the way and walking the opposite way down the hall.

“Kippen!” Buffy shouts after him. He stops, turning back towards them, looking scared. “Go on. What’s this magnificent apology you guys have cooked up for me?” She crosses her arms, eyeing both of them. Cyrus looks at Tj, giving him a small nod.

“I know I already said this,” Tj starts, “but I’m sorry Buffy. Last year was hard. Stuff happened with my family and with myself, stuff that I wish I could talk about, but I just can’t and I’m sorry for that too.” Tj looks back at Cyrus, taking a breath. “You’re right.” That gets Buffy’s attention. “I was a complete jerk to you. And there’s no excuse for what I did, but hopefully you can forgive me.” No matter how many times Cyrus has hung out with Tj (which granted, still isn’t a lot), this all still sounds very foreign coming from him. It’s hard to erase the Tj he used to be, or the Tj Cyrus thought he used to be.

They wait for Buffy to say something, all standing in tense silence. 

“Fine. I think I can forgive you. I don’t think we’ll ever be friends, but…” she trails off, looking a little uncomfortable. “See you guys around.” She pulls her bag farther onto her shoulder, walking out of the building. Cyrus feels a light punch on his shoulder.

“Thanks Cyrus.” He smiles, giving Tj a punch back.

“Anytime.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> honestly I kind of hate this fic


	9. nine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry if the chapters become more sporadic then they already are turns out taking 5 AP classes is a lot of work lol but hopefully I can get it done before the school year starts! there should only be a couple more chapters and I hope you guys are still enjoying it. thanks for all the support <3

“Hey Cy-Guy!” The sun shines brightly around Jonah as Cyrus looks up at him. Despite the sunshine, it’s starting to get bitterly cold.

“Hey J-man! What’s up?” Cyrus pockets his phone, standing up. He doesn’t know when he became taller than Jonah.

“Oh well, me and Walker were just gonna head down to the spoon. I think Andi might be there too. Wanna come?” 

“Sure!” Somehow, it doesn’t take Cyrus another thought to accept his offer. Maybe he just misses his friends, misses having fun without overthinking it so much. 

“Well,” Jonah looks down at his phone. “Looks like Walker’s meeting us there. You coming?” 

They walk in the comfortable silence that’s been missing from their interactions for the past few months. 

“Jonah?” Cyrus asks. He hums in response. “Could I ask you something?” Cyrus thinks about Jonah and Walker, thinks about Jonah, the day he came out to them by walking into lunch hand in hand with Walker, proudly announcing that he’s bisexual. He thinks about Jonah’s face and how it never stops smiling, except for that one time. 

“Sure Cy. What’s up?” 

“I just wanted to tell you that I’m gay.” The words come out easily. Jonah looks over at him without stopping.

“Yeah?” Cyrus looks back. 

“Yeah.”

“Was there a question somewhere in there?” Jonah laughs. Cyrus laughs too, relieved.

“I guess not.” They both look back at their feet and Cyrus can’t stop smiling.

“Cool, by the way,” Jonah says after a moment, nudging Cyrus’ shoulder.

“Thanks.” Cyrus nudges back.

Andi and Walker are both at the Spoon already when they get there. Buffy too. She looks at Cyrus when he walks in and he can’t tell what she’s feeling. She may have forgiven Tj, sort of, and Cyrus in the process, but it’s still kind of awkward. He slides into the booth next to her, sitting stiffly, trying to think of something to say. He doesn’t want them to be like this anymore.

“I’m sorry,” Cyrus whispers to her while Jonah, Walker, and Andi are caught up in conversation.

“For what?” she whispers back, even though she knows what he means.

“For hanging out with Tj without talking to you first. But I promise,” Cyrus looks at her. “He’s not who he used to be.” Buffy licks her lips, staring at him. Slowly, she starts to smile.

“If he makes you happy than I can try to forgive him.”

“He does.” Cyrus feels his own smile form.“Thanks Buffy.”

-

“Hey Cyrus!” Amber wasn’t at practice today, until now. She’s standing above him, her hair down and wearing jeans. Cyrus can’t remember ever seeing her in something that wasn’t dancewear. 

“Hi Amber. What’s up?” She looks away from him, her smile faltering. 

“Well, I  actually wanted to ask you about Andi.” Cyrus sets his bag aside.

“Andi?”

“Yeah.”

“What about her?” He asks, standing to meet Amber’s eyes, even if she isn’t meeting his. 

“Well,” she pauses. “Never mind. It was dumb anyway,” she says after a minute of silence. “I’ll just talk to her myself. Do you know where I can find her?” Cyrus is confused.

“Um, she’s probably in the art studio right now, but she might’ve gone home already. I can talk to her for you, if you wa-”

“No,” Amber says, cutting Cyrus off. “It’s fine. Thanks Cyrus, I’ll see you later, yeah?”

“Yeah, see you Amber.” The more some things start to make sense, the more other things just become foggier. 

 

**10:34 p.m.**

 

**_C: hey Andi Amber was looking for you earlier did she find you?_ **

**_A: yup_ **

**_C: what did she want? She was being super weird. I didn’t even think you guys talked_ **

**_A: it was nothing and we don’t. Just something stupid_ **

Cyrus looks at his phone, eyebrows touching as he scrunches them together. Andi never lies to him.

**_C: you sure?_ **

She doesn’t respond.

 

**11:12 p.m.**

 

**_A: cy?_ **

**_C: yeah?_ **

**_A: can we talk tomorrow?_ **

**_C: ofc_ **

**_-_ **

Andi’s sitting in front of the school on one of the picnic tables, her whole body closing in on itself as she tries to harbor as much warmth as she can. It’s freezing outside. 

“Andi!” She looks up, smiling without her eyes. “What’s up?” Cyrus asks when he gets close enough. He sits next to her, feet dangling off the side of the table.

“I don’t know if you noticed,” she starts slowly. “Actually, I know you didn’t notice, but I was kind of…” she stops talking, her breath visible in the air. 

“Andi, you don’t have to-”

“I think I’m pansexual.” She chews on her lip so hard it starts bleeding. Cyrus reaches out, grabbing her hand just like she grabbed his.

“Yeah?” She looks at him, her cheeks pink and her eyes a little teary.

“I knew you wouldn’t care but it was just hard for me to say.”

“I understand.”

“And that’s what Amber wanted the other day. She asked me out?” Cyrus lights up.

“Really?” Andi nods. “Andi that’s amazing!” Her falls into her arms again, giving her a squeeze, feeling the tension leave her body. “I’m so happy for you.”

“Thanks Cy. I’m happy for me too.” They both laugh.


	10. ten

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this ending sucks but so did this whole fic lol. I know some of you guys enjoyed it so I hope if you were one of those people that you like this. thanks for all of the support <3

Cyrus feels guilty. He’s felt guilty since the first time he didn’t give Tj his notebook back. But now he feels guilty because he doesn’t feel guilty, and he doesn’t feel guilty because he keeps forgetting he even has it. Then he sees it again, and all of the confusing emotions rush back into him. He’s guilty (on many levels), he’s confused about why he hasn’t given the notebook back, why he even has it in the first place, and what will happen between him and Tj if he does. He’s confused about what’s even going on between him and Tj, what’s going on inside his own head. 

He likes Tj, and that doesn’t make any sense. Why does Cyrus have to fall for every sporty boy with green eyes that smiles in his direction? Why does he do this to himself? Can’t he just be friends with them just one time? Can’t he just save himself the heartache? He doesn’t even know Tj, not really.

Does he? 

They’ve been friends for almost two months now. Is that enough time to know how you feel about someone? Has Cyrus really had Tj’s notebook for two months and not done anything about it?

Cyrus needs to give this thing back, and fast. Or he might just ruin everything.

-

Cyrus has been looking at Tj all of lunch. He looks at him and suddenly figuring out the right words to use to tell him that he kinda stole his notebook seem impossible to find. Everyone’s words blur around him. He doesn’t think he can do this.

Cyrus is brought out of his thoughts by a loud bang on the table. Andi’s hand is caged over Buffy’s phone.

“Will you just tell us who you’re texting? You’ve been doing this all year and I… I just want my best friend back. I don’t get why you don’t trust us.” Andi’s face tries to stay strong but it wavers. Buffy’s mouth opens and closes, her face not knowing what emotion to land on.

“It’s not that I don’t trust you it’s just that-”

“What?” Andi’s knuckles are turning white.

“I don’t want things to change.” Andi’s stoney demeanor falls.

“What?” She asks, softer this time.

“It’s Marty. From the basketball team. That’s who I’m texting.”

“I knew it!” Cyrus says before he can think it through. The girls turn on him. “Sorry.”

“What do you mean change?” Andi asks, breezing past Cyrus’ inappropriate outburst. 

“It’s that, well, I’m sort of with Marty now, and Jonah’s with Walker, and Cyrus hangs out with Tj and you hang out with Amber and we all have just… it used to be just us three but now we’re going to be going to highschool and making new friends and dating and getting older and the world is just gonna get so much bigger. And I don’t want that to happen.” Andi smiles and she still looks sad.

“Buffy, even if we get older and change and make new friends and date people we’re still going to have each other and we’re still going to have this. What’s happened isn’t going to go away.” Buffy grabs Andi’s hand which is still sitting on top of her phone.

“Thanks,” is all she says. 

So Cyrus wasn’t the only one feeling this way. 

-

Cyrus is having deja vu. There’s Tj, rummaging through their locker, his hair flopping in front of his face. Cyrus realises that he didn’t wear hair gel today and he hates that he realises that. Every sound echoes through the hallway because everyone else has already gone home. Cyrus has been standing in this same spot, looking at Tj, for almost ten minutes now.

_ Just do it Cyrus. You’re the only one with something to lose. _

“Tj!” He looks up, smiling, still sifting through papers.

“Cyrus! What’s up?” Cyrus’ chest gets hot.

“Do you remember the first day of school?” Tj scrunches his face in confusion.

“Kind of? Why?”  _ Good start Cyrus.  _ He scrambles for his next sentence.

“Do you remember…” Cyrus can’t remember what else he was gonna say. It’s all too much. 

“What Cyrus?” Tj’s voice is far away. He sounds concerned. “Cyrus?”

“I have your notebook.” Cyrus swallows. “I didn’t take it but after dance practice on the first day of school I found it in my backpack and I realised it was yours when I got home and I tried not to read it but I did read a little and then I stopped because we hung out at your house and you touched my hand and then Jonah got a boyfriend and now there was just a swirl in my stomach of confusion and Buffy hated me and Andi likes Walker better than me and I still can’t dance and-”

“Cyrus.” Tj grabs his hand. Cyrus shuts up. “Stop rambling. What do you want to tell me?”

“I tried to give it back. I did. But stuff kept getting in the way, like Buffy and my anxiety and how much I like you and the fact that I couldn’t believe you liked me because lately I don’t even like me and your so cool and funny and  _ you like me  _ so why would I ruin that but I already ruined it the moment I read your notebook and I’m just so sorry Tj I am-”

“You’re rambling again.” Tj’s smiling and he still hasn’t let go of Cyrus’ hand. 

“I ruined everything.” Cyrus takes a deep breath. His throat hurts and Tj’s hand is warm.

“No you didn’t.” All of Cyrus’ breaths are labored. Did he really just tire himself out talking?

“I didn’t?”

“No.” Tj’s hand is also bigger than his, no surprise. “That notebook isn’t my diary or anything. It’s just a notebook. I write stories in it. I was sad when I lost it cause I think I have some pretty good stuff in there. I let people read it all the time.”

“You… what?”

“You make things out to be a bigger deal than they are Cyrus.” Tj’s laughing a little and they’re still holding hands and it’s just a notebook. 

It’s just a notebook. 

“I know that I used to be some mysterious scary basketball guy, but I’m not anymore. I don’t cover up all of my problems by bullying girls that join the basketball team or whatever else I used to do. That’s all in the past.” Cyrus takes a step back, dropping Tj’s hand.

“It seems like  _ I’m _ still in the past. Everyone suddenly grew older and knew who they were and what they wanted, and they all just left me behind.” Tj smiles even though Cyrus can’t see him. 

“Here.” He extends his hand into Cyrus’ vision. “I’ll help you.” Cyrus looks up.

“What?”

“ _ I’ll help you, _ ” Tj says with more emphasis. Warily, Cyrus puts his hand back into Tj’s.

“How?” Tj smiles now that Cyrus can see him.

“I’ll help bring you into the present.”

“How?” Cyrus repeats.

“I’ll meet you halfway.”


End file.
